Glesga Drunk

A wee joke sent to me today..

—
The Glasgow, or more properly “Glesga”, dialect is known to be
extremely concise, as so much can be said in so few words.

Consider for example, this exchange between a car-driver, and the
police officer who pulled him over.

Interpretation is provided inside the brackets.

Police officer: Yaw rite? (Are you feeling ill?)

Driver: ‘maw rite. (I’m feeling exceptionally well, thank you)

Yeshoor? (Are you entirely certain of that fact?)

Aye. (Yes)

Zisyoors? (Are you the registered owner of this vehicle?)

Zwitmine? (Which vehicle are you referring to?)

Ris caur (The automobile in which you are presently seated)

Sibrurnlaws (Actually, it belongs to my sister’s husband)

Wers heeren? (Can you tell me where he can be located?)

Raboozers. (He is a guest of the local hostelry.)

Yebeen garglin’. (Have you partaken of any alcoholic beverages, in the
recent past?)

Jissa cupple. (I have consumed only one or two small cocktails, prior
to dinner.)

Yur stoatin’. (It is my considered opinion that you are considerably
under the influence of alcohol.)

Naw’mno’ (I beg to differ.)

Ye urstoatin’. (I believe that my initial observation is correct and
that you are being somewhat deceitful.)

Umnoe. (I swear that I am being entirely truthful.)

Geezyer licence. (Would you be kind enough to allow me to inspect your
driver’s licence?)

‘Vno Goatwan. (I am not in possession of such a document.)

Geroot racaur. (Kindly remove yourself from the automobile.)

Whiffur? (By what legal right do you make this request?)

‘Mapolis. (I am a member of the local constabulary.)

Ommigoad. (I call upon the Supreme Being, witness this moment of
extreme duress.)

Geroot Ren. (Will you now please extricate yourself from your position
behind the steering wheel.

Awrite, ‘mcomin’ (I am proceeding to do so with all possible speed.)

Blawris up. (Are you familiar with the breathalyser test?.)

‘Mgonny Besik. (I believe that I am about to be violently ill.)

Noanme Yurno. (Please exercise a great deal of caution as to the
direction your involuntary emission takes.)

‘Mawrite Noo. (Having ridden my digestive tract of an accumulation of
nausea-inducing substances, I now feel better.)

Getna Paddywagon. (Please be kind enough to accept a short ride in the
humble vehicle provided for my use by the local police.)

Wer Wigaun? (May I be so forward as to make an enquiry as to our
ultimate destination?)

Ra Jile. (To my headquarters, where you will be incarcerated.)

Ohmigoad, rawife’ll murdermie. (Once again I call upon the Supreme
Being to witness this unfortunate turn of events. Incidentally, I must
inform you that my spouse will take my life, illegally.)

Getna Wagon. (May I offer you my assistance in climbing into the back
of my vehicle.)

Aw, Neveragain. Ratsit furme. (I have now learned a valuable lesson,
and I hereby declare total abstinence from all alcoholic beverages
hence forth.)